American Pie Mutant Style
by aztecpirate
Summary: The mutants take on the biggest challange of their lives of far....losing their virginity before prom night! (not as dirty as it sounds, I promise!)


Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
American Pie - Mutant Style  
  
*********************************  
  
With a muffled *bamf*, Kurt Wagner teleported into the Institute corridors. The young mutant glanced shiftily around him, muscles tensed and ready to spring. It was to some relief that he realised that he was alone. Dressed in a ridiculously oversized raincoat and hat - and a borrowed pair of Scott's glasses, just to ensure that his face was at least partially disguised - he looked like an extra from a bad spy movie. It was an impression not entirely unjustified. Right now, Kurt was a man on a mission and the stakes were high. If he failed...well, it was fairly safe to say that his life would not be worth living.  
  
His heart hammering in his chest, Kurt scuttled quickly to the nearby door and knocked. There was a quiet shuffling from within the room, and after a moment's delay the door opened a fraction and a pair of dark eyes peered out.  
  
"Did you get it?" Evan whispered, a deep frown of suspicion furrowing his brow.  
  
Kurt looked nervously down the corridor. "Ja, ja, I got it...now hurry up and let me in, someone could see me!"  
  
Evan opened the door silently and Kurt slipped in. Once within the bedroom, Kurt was able to relax somewhat. The curtains had been drawn to guard against anybody seeing in, there was a bowl of popcorn set out in readiness, and the tv had already been switched on and was letting off a quiet buzz of static. Everything was ready, it seemed.  
  
Closing the door behind him, Evan took a step further into the room, rubbing his hands in nervous anticipation. "So did the guy at the video shop catch you?"  
  
Kurt shook his head, taking off the glasses and blinking in the sudden light. "No...I was in and out of there before he even saw me." Placing the eye-wear on a nearby chest of drawers, Kurt paused, glancing uneasily towards his friend. "Hey Evan...this isn't wrong is it? I mean, I did kinda steal it..."  
  
Evan frowned. "Dude, it's not stealing. We're *borrowing* it, okay? It's not like we're keeping it...it's just for one day, that's all." Apparently satisfied that his answer has closed the topic, he looked eagerly at Kurt. "So which one did you get?"  
  
Kurt put his hand inside his coat and withdrew a video box. "Lesbian Warrior Sluts from Mars."  
  
"Sweet."  
  
Kurt took a moment to appreciate the semi-naked woman depicted on the video's cover. "Ja," he grinned, nodding in agreement. "Sweet."  
  
Before Kurt could examine the box further, Evan snatched it away from him and hurried towards the television. The blue-furred mutant settled himself on the bed with the bowl of popcorn, watching as Evan moved to set everything in place. There was a quiet click as the video slipped into the player. Kurt reached for the remote that had been lying on the pillow beside him and pressed the play button.  
  
It was time...  
  
The television flickered to life, the image of an erotically dressed - or, perhaps more accurately, undressed - 'Martian' filling the monitor. Evan sat himself down at the foot of the bed, gawping openly as the movie began.  
  
"This," he breathed, "Is the coolest thing that I have ever seen."  
  
And Kurt had to agree. The two friends sat in stunned silence for the first ten minutes of the film, their eyes growing wider as things gradually began to heat up on screen. As far as Kurt could tell, there was no actual plot as such...after the hot Martian warriors had landed on top of the White House, the show seemed to disintegrate into a meaningless string of strip shows. Not that either of the two X-Men particularly minded. This was their first real experience of pornography and, as far as they were concerned, it didn't disappoint.  
  
After the Martian Queen demanded that the President hand over the earth men as sexual slaves, Kurt gave a questioning frown. "You think that that could ever happen in real life?"  
  
Evan didn't look away from the television. His expression was one of blank surprise, his attention wholly engrossed with the events unfolding on- screen. His only reply to Kurt's question was illegible mumble that may or may not have been 'here's hoping'.  
  
The Queen had just removed her shirt and was straddling the President over the Oval Office desk. Kurt unconsciously leaned forward on the bed, mouth hanging open in anticipation of what he was about to see. The President - apparently unconcerned about the fact that his country had been invaded by militant lesbians - was reaching around his captor to unhook her corset. Both Kurt and Evan actually held their breath as the bra fell away...  
  
...But at that exact moment the door swung open and Scott Summers walked into the room.  
  
"Hey Evan, have you seen Kurt? He's taken my spare pair of glasses and I can't - oh my God!" His gaze suddenly fell on the television, eyes flying wide in shock and embarrassment. "What the hell are you guys watching?!"  
  
Kurt gave a startled yelp and dived for the remote. "Scott!" he spluttered, trying desperately to turn the video off but somehow managing to instead turn the volume up. "I...ahh...i-it's not what it looks like!"  
  
Scott's face and turned an interesting shade of red, but he had so far not looked away from the tv screen. Evan stared up at him in undisguised worry - caught in the act by the leader of the X-Men...things couldn't get worse...  
  
Still not turning away to look at his younger team-mates, Scott moved to slowly sit down on the edge of the bed. "Hey, uh...could you turn it up?"  
  
Kurt and Evan exchanged twin looks of surprise. Then, still glancing nervously towards Scott, Kurt clicked on the remote and increased the volume by a notch. The President was now moaning very loudly, and when the two younger mutants saw why Scott's unexpected intrusion was now instantly forgotten.  
  
Scott's eyebrows were so high on his forehead that they seemed to disappear underneath his short bangs.  
  
"Is that physically possible?"  
  
*************************************  
  
Elsewhere in the mansion, Ororo Monroe was walking down the corridor, humming to herself as her shoes clicked quietly against the marble floors. Ahead of her she saw a flash of red, Jean appearing at the other end of the hallway.  
  
"Hey, Storm, have you seen Scott anywhere? He was supposed to meet me in the library about half an hour ago...we're studying for a physics test."  
  
Ororo gave an apologetic shrug. "The last time I saw him he was heading down to Evan's room...but that was some time ago. I'm afraid that I have no idea where he could be now."  
  
Jean frowned, clearly irritated. "This is so unlike him."  
  
The white-haired instructor smiled and gestured down the corridor. "I was just about to see Evan myself. Perhaps he will know where Scott has gone."  
  
"Yeah...yeah maybe."  
  
Together the two women set off towards Evan's room.  
  
****************************  
  
"We hold the world at our mercy. Unless you do exactly as I say, your people will suffer an eternity as slaves in our breeding farms. Their whole lives will consist as meaningless sex objects, forced to satisfy their hot Martian mistresses again and again."  
  
The President arched an eyebrow and looked his naked captor up and down. "When you put it that way, baby..."  
  
Watching the events unfurl on the television, Scott took another handful of popcorn and crammed it into his mouth. "This movie is awesome."  
  
"The best," Kurt agreed.  
  
"I'm in love with her," Evan added with a happy sigh, staring unashamedly at the Martian Queen on the tv.  
  
Kurt opened his mouth, intent on saying something further, but was cut off by the sound of the door opening behind him. Then he heard a shrill shriek of horror, and knew exactly what had just happened.  
  
Evan made a horse spluttering noise. "Aunty O!"  
  
Drawn by the noise, Jean stuck her head around the door, green eyes flying wide in shock when she saw what was happening. "Scott!! Jesus, what are you doing?!"  
  
Kurt, Scott and Evan could do nothing but stare at the two women in undisguised dismay. After a moments weighty silence - made worse by the loud moans emitting from the television behind them - Evan was the one to aptly sum up what all of them were thinking.  
  
"Shit." 


End file.
